Really? Again?

While bending down to pick up the pencil, I felt the all too familiar stretch and catch I have grown accustomed to over the years that tells me painful days are ahead.

My back.

I was a junior or senior in high school, I don’t exactly remember which, the first time I became acquainted with back pain. I’m not even sure exactly how it happened, but I remember afterwards lying down with a tumbling mat between my stomach and the gym floor and thinking I could just die and all would be well. There was no doctor visit, but there were massages and pills. Eventually the pain receded and I felt whole again.

Then, I was a senior in college and I have zero recollection of what could have caused it, but I know I woke up one morning and struggled to get out of bed. When I say “out of bed”, I literally mean out of bed. I ended up on the floor and had to work to get to my feet. Standing straight was not an option and I remember walking was painful. Trying to wash my hair was an event filled with tears while my hands were above my head. I did drive myself to the doctor this time. I remember being a walk-in and the place being packed, so much so that I had to stand while I waited. I remember fighting back tears as I stood due to the pain being so intense. The relief I felt when called back was deeply misplaced.

The nurse wanted me to get up on the x-ray platform and lay down. I couldn’t do it. When she “helped” me, the tears flowed again. The pain was excruciating. I left with two prescriptions and the assurance that my spine was fine. As I walked out of the building, I was trying to remember where I was parked, looking out onto the parking lot, and missed a step and came slamming down on the ground. At that moment, as the tears poured from my eyes yet again, I struggled to breathe as the pain continuously shot through me. My thoughts at that moment were not good ones.

The medications worked well, but had a bit of a coma affect on me. I knew what was going on around me, but wasn’t quite in a state of mind to participate. I remember visiting a friend and having a drink one night and learned that pain meds and alcohol probably weren’t the best mix, yet they allowed me to rest for 5+ uninterruptable hours, which was more than I had had since the pain began. Still, definitely a bad idea not to be repeated.

Seven months after moving to Florida, five months after starting a new job and three months after my wedding, I sneezed. I was in so much pain. I didn’t have the ability to stand up straight and could barely walk. Thankfully, my groom was nearby and was able to assist me in maneuvering stairs and crossovers to safely make it downstairs. He immediately loaded me up in the car and we left work for the doctor. They wanted to give me pain meds, muscle relaxers, and shots to help. I voted only on the muscle relaxers, remembering how the pain meds affected me before.

We went to work the next day and our manger sent us home, me to rest and Ray to care for me. When I got up the next day the pain was unbearable. I couldn’t stand myself. I couldn’t get out of bed on my own, I couldn’t utilize the restroom on my own, I couldn’t sit or stand on my own, I couldn’t get dressed on my own. I was in agony. We returned to the doctor. I received the shot and collected the pain medication.

The next couple of weeks are a haze in which I remember bits and pieces, but my wonderful husband and a good friend of ours who took care of me while at work, have shared stories with me about things I said and did. I refuse to type them out here due to still being a bit uninformed, but if they choose to share, then so be it. I’m sure it would bring tremendous joy to some of your hearts.

So we’re now to current day, just after picking up the pencil. I’m wondering if back replacement is an option and if so, is it on the up and up or do I have to resort to the black market? I have moved forward from limping when I walk to just walking slowly and deliberately to avoid any jarring or impact at all. I can now sit without being in constant pain and can even get off the couch now without having to first roll to my knees on the floor, then using the coffee table to hoist myself up via my arms. (Side note: My arms are a bit sore from the pushing and pulling I’ve had to do the last few days with getting in and out of vehicles and on and off the couch or chair.)

I believe that I am making fast, positive progress in the healing area and believe a doctor’s visit is not warranted. Plus, I’d rather not return to the fog. I’m afraid one day I may choose not to return. 

Here’s to future latissimus dorsi replacement procedures.